I am frequently asked about the difference between shame and
guilt. In some ways, you could consider these two emotions as being part of the
same family. They are siblings to each other, so even though they are
independent, they often are seen together.

 

GUILT

Guilt is a quality of emotion that arises when there is
awareness about causing harm or breaking a code, whether that is an external (societal)
code or one that has been internalized (personal). Guilt arises when there is
perceived harm that is caused, whether or not there has been actual harm caused.

Fundamentally, guilt is about an action/inaction. Because guilt
arises due to actions or inactions committed, there is a system to be able to
reduce the guilt. First, one can change their behavior to reduce the emotion.
Or one can trade one action for another. There are means to pay for one’s
behavior via punishment, penance, or confession.

SHAME

Rather than about actions, shame is an emotion that arises regarding
the quality of the person. It is tied to one’s entire self rather than an
action, which is just a part of the self.

Shame will be present anytime there is a comparison of oneself
to another person’s standards that we’ve adopted as our own. It is the result
of a negative evaluation of oneself.

The strength of the negative evaluations increases when 1) we
feel as if we are responsible, versus something outside of having some responsibility,
2) we feel we are unable to change the circumstances versus having some influence
or impact on creating change, and 3) when the trait or situation is more fixed
or permanent versus something that can be easily changed.

Because shame is about quality versus action, there is no
way to fix the problem. There is no action that can be stopped. There is no
trade that can be made to atone. Because the person is the one who is wrong or bad,
and that can’t be fixed, then the only remedy is to stop being, existing, or
doing anything. Therefore, shame motivates a person to retreat and hide. In
this way, shame causes a person to keep hidden things that are sensitive,
intimate, and vulnerable.

Because of the differences between guilt and shame, we
rarely feel guilty for feeling guilt. When we feel guilt, we feel we deserve
it. However, it is common for people feel shame about feeling shame. This is because
feeling shame is seen as a negative quality of the self rather than a response of
the biology to something else that has happened.

GUILT & SHAME AS SIBLINGS

 As I mentioned at the beginning shame and guilt are related and

can often occur simultaneously.

Guilt co-assembles with fear, because with guilt, there is
usually fear of being found out and fear of punishment or retribution. Due to
the fear, what we feel guilty about, we typically wish to remain hidden. Because
wanting to be hidden is a hallmark of shame, it can follow guilt.

Feelings of guilt often occur first. Experiences of punishment
are how we learn that we have broken codes. Feeling guilty is what creates the
knowing about the codes. We first learn what should and should not be and how
we should or should not act. Accordingly, because one’s actions reflect the
self, then actions also can lead to shame. So not only might we feel guilt, we might
also feel shame about our actions.

Of the two emotions, chronic shame is more debilitating and
more challenging to alter. However, no one needs to live with chronic shame. It
is possible for shame to melt away without having to face head on each aspect
of the self that one is ashamed of.

Learn How

To learn more about how this is possible, I invite you to a “Freedom
from Shame” Introductory Workshop. Find out when the next one will be and how
to register by visiting the workshop webpage. Click here.