A Gentler and More Transformative Approach to Working with Debilitating Shame

Psychoanalytic Tradition

Traditional psychoanalysis, rooted in Freudian principles, often delves into the depths of the unconscious in the interest of excavating what was deep in our unconscious to uncover underlying traumas. It is as if we could go down to the dark, dank, moldy basement and find “the Thing(s)” that are holding us back or keeping us from living our fullest.

It is true that insight that comes from taking a peek into the basement of our past can sometimes help us feel less shame about our present. Understanding that the origin of behaviors or thoughts do not originate from ourselves but from past experiences that we suffered can reduce the self-blame. However, insight alone cannot create the system-level change required for feelings and behaviors to change.

In my training in Organic Intelligence®, I have found that we can take a gentler approach, especially in the beginning stages. In working with me, the choice is to leave what is down in the metaphorical basement alone. Maybe there will be a day to go down there and look around, but only when we are feeling good about what’s on the metaphorical ground level. In other words, the goal is to cultivate a sense of well-being and feeling good enough about our present experiences first. As this stabilizes, the states of your overall system begin to change, which will lead to your overall trait to change. (For more information on “states” and “traits,” visit this blog article.) When your system changes, shame loosens its grip. And what clients repeatedly discover is that what might be in the basement actually becomes less interesting. Those traumas, while once formidable obstacles, don’t pull on us or unsettle us as much. What we find is that those experiences that have kept us stuck, really become “non-things,“ and they simply lack the power to disturb us.

Cognitive-Behavioral Tradition

The main competition to the psychoanalytic tradition became what is now known as the Cognitive-Behavioral tradition, starting with Albert Ellis. It concentrates on countering dysfunctional present-day cognitions with more accurate cognitions.

In the Organic Intelligence® framework, cognitions are recognized as the “Meaning Channel.” While acknowledging the incessant generation of thoughts, the focus shifts from battling negative thoughts to developing a healthier relationship with the Meaning Channel. In mindfulness traditions, it’s common for teachers to remind practitioners that the mind generates thoughts like the mouth generates saliva. It’s just what happens under certain conditions. Sometimes, that awareness can help create relief about the cognitions that are generated, seemingly without our consent. It can be possible to hold them more lightly, and not believe everything you think.

However, when experiencing shame, the Meaning Channel can be particularly aggressive and damning of the self. It can be tempting to think that we can or should expend our energy in changing these thoughts. But often that becomes like a game of “whack-a-mole.” As soon as we whack one thought, the Meaning Channel just produces another thought. It can be pretty demoralizing to try to stamp them out.  

What I help people do and have a different relationship with their Meaning Channel. First and foremost is to not be in opposition to what’s emerging as thoughts. Secondly, we want to let go of trying to force thoughts into submission to other thoughts. Instead, we begin to find what gems lie hidden in the Meaning Channel. Very often, there are seeds of wisdom, caution, discretion and care, as well as motivations, desires, hopes, and aspirations. These we don’t want to miss or throw out. Instead, we find that we can mine something precious from our Meaning Channel, which in turn helps support us.

Positive Psychology Tradition

The paradigm shift that has become Organic Intelligence® has its roots in a positive-psychology framework. In my work with clients, I want to support feeling better in order to feel better. This means that I am providing guidance and pathways to create positive-reinforcing experiences. This is in contrast to negative-reinforcement, in which one has to feel worse in order to feel better. Negative-reinforcement is a bit of a “no-pain, no gain” approach.

To counter shame, a positive-psychology framework means that “fixing” shame will not be our focus. Rather than spending time trying to pull up the weeds of shame, we’re going to spend more time watering the grass and ignoring the weeds. In this way, the grass grows and crowds out the weeds. There may still be some weeds here and there, but they are barely noticeable in and amongst the lush grass. 

As a result of utilizing these principles, clients experience a gentle and compassionate approach that paves the way for sustained growth, resilience, and transformation of debilitating shame.