When people feel chronic shame, they often also feel very vulnerable. Vulnerability is about what potentially could happen. When one feels vulnerable, one feels like there is a risk and uncertainty. The feeling of vulnerability can emerge when one is being very open and letting themselves be seen. If being very open to another, then there is the possibility of feeling rejected and not accepted for whatever we’ve been open about.
Even more so, vulnerability shows up when there is the potential that something may be or become unsafe in feeling. Feelings of a lack of safety sometimes are rooted in the reality of actually being unsafe, but can also emerge in situations where the reality is in fact safe, but it isn’t felt that way. Either way, a person may feel vulnerable in such a situation.
There is also the possibility of exposure in general, like being seen when we would rather not be seen. But also, the possibility of exposure to harm in some way. Either way, vulnerability can be an unpleasant feeling of wanting to contract or hide. Or maybe it’s a feeling of wanting to be covered.
How does feeling vulnerable serve us. First, when we feel vulnerable, actions can be taken to reduce risk and potential difficulty or harm. Vulnerability can be a signal to create some kind of change to increase safety.
But vulnerability also shows up in really positive experiences of feeling loved or belonging. When we are authentically sharing ourselves with another, there is vulnerability, but that feeling is a signal of the depth of connection or intimacy that can potentially be experienced. Vulnerability is also necessary for creativity and play to emerge. As we become more open, we are allowing for a greater sense of being present. Vulnerability offers the opportunity to sink deeper into ourselves and maybe even into another.
Shame is less about potential than about what has already happened. However, when one experiences a shame trait compared to when one experiences a shame state, then shame begins to look more like vulnerability. (Click here to read about the difference between a shame state and a shame trait.)
Shame states emerge when there is something one is moving towards which is an energizing positive activation. That is, there is some kind of curiosity, interest, or excitement. However, as sometimes happens, that positive activation can be abruptly interrupted. In such a moment, a shame state will emerge. Likewise, when there is some form of easefull positive deactivation, that is when there is the experience of joy, enjoyment, or contentment, and that deactivation is abruptly interrupted, a shame state will also emerge.
A shame state will be experienced as a collapse or withdrawal. It will usually include looking or moving away from the shame-inducing scenario, accompanied by difficulty thinking clearly for a short time. Over long stretches of time, if this is experienced repeatedly, self-judging thoughts frequently coincides with a shame state.
While shame is unpleasant in feeling, it does have a positive element to it. The collapse and withdrawal of shame can offer protection by hiding or by being still and quiet. The state of collapse provides some respite from what just happened by giving one a chance to minimize input from the outside and to process on the inside.
Shame often comes in the interpersonal field. When shame emerges, there is an opportunity to withdraw from one connection in order to pursue another more supportive connection in some particular moment. It can lead one to seek connection in a better place. When we withdraw connection, even if temporarily, from a person who cannot support our positive activation or deactivation, that gives us an opportunity to seek it from another person, or animal friend, or even with ourselves.
Even though vulnerability and shame are slightly different, they both are emotional experiences that can serve us and provide benefit. Although it may be hard to see that at times, when we begin to feel a little less vulnerability or shame, we can ask ourselves what benefits have emerged rather than focusing only on the unpleasant feelings that we had.
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