The intertwining threads of vulnerability and chronic shame often create a complex dance, influencing how we perceive ourselves and our interactions with the world. Understanding the nuances of these emotions, their origins, and the potential benefits they offer is crucial for self-compassion.

The Essence of Vulnerability:

Vulnerability, at its core, is the acknowledgment of potential risks and uncertainties. It surfaces when we open ourselves up, exposing our true selves to others and letting ourselves be seen. When being very open to another person, there is the possibility of feeling rejected and not accepted for our openness, which is why we feel vulnerable. 

Even more so, vulnerability shows up when there is the potential that something may be or become unsafe. Feelings of a lack of safety are sometimes rooted in the reality of actually being unsafe, but can also emerge in situations where the reality is in fact safe, even if the situation is not felt that way. Either way, a person may feel vulnerable in unsafe types of situations. 

There is also the possibility of exposure in general, like being seen when we would rather not be seen or the possibility of exposure to harm in some way. In such experiences, vulnerability may reveal itself as an unpleasant feeling of wanting to contract or hide or wanting to be covered. 

The Benefits of Vulnerability:

Feeling vulnerable is not inherently negative; it serves as a powerful signal. It prompts us to take actions that reduce risk and enhance safety. Moreover, vulnerability plays a pivotal role in positive experiences, such as fostering connections, intimacy, creativity, and play. As we become more open–in other words, more vulnerable–we are allowing for a greater sense of being present to ourselves and to others. Authentic sharing of oneself with another inherently involves vulnerability, signaling the depth of connection that can potentially be achieved.

The Essence of Shame:

Shame, while distinct from vulnerability, shares a dance with it. When feeling vulnerable, there is a greater potential for feeling shame. Unlike vulnerability, shame is less about potential than about what has already happened. However, when one experiences a shame trait compared to when one experiences a shame state, then shame begins to look more like the unpleasant elements of vulnerability. (Click here to read about the difference between a shame state and a shame trait.) 

Shame states emerge when there is something one is moving towards which is an energizing positive activation. That is, there is some kind of curiosity, interest, or excitement. However, as sometimes happens, that positive activation can be abruptly interrupted. In such a moment, a shame state will emerge. Likewise, when there is some form of easefull positive deactivation, that is when there is the experience of joy, enjoyment, or contentment, and that deactivation is abruptly interrupted, a shame state will also emerge. The positive elements of vulnerability mentioned above set us up for feeling shame because being vulnerable is in the service of higher states of pleasant activation or pleasant deactivation.

A shame state will be experienced as a collapse or withdrawal. It will usually include looking or moving away from the shame-inducing scenario, accompanied by difficulty thinking clearly for a short time. Over long stretches of time, if this is experienced repeatedly, self-judging thoughts frequently coincide with a shame state.

The Benefits of Shame:

While shame is unpleasant in feeling, it does have a positive element as well. The collapse and withdrawal of shame can offer protection by hiding or by being still and quiet. The state of collapse provides some respite from what just happened by giving one a chance to minimize input from the outside and to process on the inside. 

Shame often comes in the interpersonal field. When shame emerges, there is an opportunity to withdraw from one connection in order to pursue another more supportive connection in some particular moment. It can lead one to seek connection in a better place. When we withdraw connection, even if temporarily, from a person who cannot support our positive activation or deactivation, that gives us an opportunity to seek it from another person, or animal friend, or even with ourselves. 

While vulnerability and shame may seem daunting, acknowledging the benefits they bring can foster a more nuanced perspective. By understanding vulnerability as a signal for positive change and connection, and shame as a protective mechanism, individuals can navigate these emotions with greater resilience.